Voter Fraud Identification Guide


Use these guidelines to help you spot and stop potential voter fraud.

  1. Young people. We don’t know if it’s true, but people are saying lots of young people are trying to vote before they are old enough. “Old enough” is subjective, of course. We are going with under 50. If you are in doubt, ask them “who is the most trusted man in America?” Unless they know it’s Walter Cronkite, file a formal challenge.
  2. Women.  According to Facebook and Twitter, nasty feminists are brainwashing respectable and honorable women throughout the country. To prevent this crooked vote manipulation, keep a sharp eye out for feminists. Any woman without a bra is clearly a feminist. Also, short skirts, face piercings, and tattoos are dead giveaways. File a formal challenge.
  3. Blacks.  Many felons (you know who we mean here) are sneakily trying to cast votes in this election according to the always reliable Crusader. Check any blacks for prison tattoos and track marks. Formally challenge as appropriate. On second thought, formally challenge all black voters. You just never know.
  4. Mexicans.  Please. Just call INS and be done with it.
  5. Muslims.  Immediately call the FBI and report terrorists at your polling place. Note: this includes anyone with a headscarf, turban, or dark complexion that you cannot identify. We can’t afford to take any risks here.

Special Emergency Procedure: If you see buses from New Jersey, immediately call the hotline.

Next Satire