How to Be a Good One

And we’re back with Marjorie from the Assimilation Institute. Marjorie, what’s the first thing you tell new clients?

Oh—that’s easy. They have to stop raping and murdering.

Of course.

You’d be surprised, though. That’s a big leap for most of them.

Sure, sure. That is what Mexico is sending. What’s after that?

Well, if they don’t have an anchor baby, we tell them to get busy. There’s a good chance they can pop one out before any complaint against them makes its way through the system.

The wheels of justice are slow. Anything else?

Sure—we have a lot of programs we push. Name-changing is one of the main ones.


Yeah—Paul rather than Pablo…Mary over Maria. Having an American name makes you fit in more.

I see.

Unless their name is Jesus.


Oh yes—if their name is Jesus, we advise they keep it. Just pronounce it like a white person. Who’s going to deport Jesus?

Next Satire