Gettysburg Regress


Four minutes and seven seconds ago, I was handed a great speech. It’s the greatest speech. I have people—the best, simply the best—the speechwriters—the best speechwriters. And they write the best speeches. This one is the best speech in the history of American politics—believe me. It’s the best. People are already talking, and I haven’t even given it yet. Just the best.

Of course, we all know that the crooked media isn’t going to tell you what I say in that speech. Great speech, by the way. Did I say it’s the greatest? But those liars are only going to tell you what Crooked Hillary wants you to hear. Am I right? Of course I’m right. I have the best mind for this.

I can’t even tell you that I’m going to sue all the lying women—which I am—that Crooked Hillary put up to accusing me—which she did—without the lying media reporting on it—which they will. Give me a break. Can’t a guy smear nasty lying women without making the front page of the failing New Your Times—and it is failing—bigly—believe me.

I mean, what does a guy gotta do to get his policies heard? Did you come here to get a lecture or chant “Lock her up?” Right? It’s a no-brainer. And do I get credit for giving you what you want to hear? Hardly. That—by the way—is why I’m suing every one of those liars. Did I mention that? Suing them all. Right after the election. Win or lose. Because, really, is there anything more important than getting even? Disgusting liars.

Oh—right—the policies. It’s…um…run that teleprompter back a minute. Right, right. First hundred days—lock her up, build the wall, kick out the Muslims. Oh yeah—drain the swamp. I like that one. That’s a good one—best slogan ever, by the way. People are talking about that, too. Look it up.

And somebody said there was a battle here or something. I’m pretty sure Patton or MacArthur won it. And that’s what we’re going to do, too. Get out and vote on November 28th—er…8th. We need to take back our country and make sure that government of me, by me, and for me shall make America great again!

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