Trollus Americanus Trumpus


Trollus americanus trumpus is a subspecies of the common American troll. It is usually found in dark corners of basements and mobile homes in rural and post-industrial sections of the United States. T. trumpus is non-migratory and will not commonly be found outside of the US—certainly not in Mexico.

T. trumpus is almost universally male. It is characterized by pasty white skin and often displays male pattern baldness, which it prefers to conceal with a variety of “Make America Great Again” baseball caps. Red is the preferred color; white for formal occasions. Physically, T. Trumpus tends to be rather large around the torso, but with disproportionately small appendages. Especially hands.

T. trumpus also exhibits strong tendencies toward anger—engaging in frequent emotional outbursts. When in a group, T. trumpus will band together in ritualistic chanting of slogans like “Lock her up!” and “Build the wall!”

If asked about the reason for this anger, T. trumpus has a difficulty enunciating its true feelings. It generally resorts to disparaging any questioner with racial, gender-specific, cultural, our religious insults. When all else fails, T. trumpus likes to resort to mental illness.

T. trumpus is in a near constant state of alert. It is always on the look out for liberals, reporters, blacks, and Mexicans. T. trumpus will commonly assert it is being stalked by Muslims because, really, ISIS has nothing better to do…

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