Dear Lying Media (and Crooked Hillary),
Please excuse Donald J. Trump from having to make his tax returns public. He really wants to release his returns, but he’s run into some real problems. He hasn’t been sick, though. Let’s make that clear. Nope—not sick.
What happened is actually a funny story. Donald is actually very upset that he can’t release his returns. He even printed out three copies this weekend to circulate to you lousy liars. Somehow, though, the dog ate one of the copies. You wouldn’t believe how much ground beef you need to bury one of those suckers in before the dog will even take a sniff.
Anyway, with only two copies, Donald was a little concerned. Imagine how horrified he was when he had to use one of those copies to stop illegal Mexican immigrants from stealing our jobs. That copy was a total loss.
With one copy left, he was determined to get that one to you miserable scum, but Don Jr., smartly reminded him that his taxes are too complicated for you idiots to understand. It would take you so long to figure them out that Donald’s taxes would distract from his wonderful message of Making America Great. Again.
Unfortunately, this means Donald won’t be able to release his taxes. Sorry for any inconvenience.
P.S. Oh yeah—he’s also under an audit, you douchebags. Believe me.