In a world gone soft, someone’s got to be hard.
–Mike’s Hard Lemonade–

I tell you—these new guys get softer every day. Yesterday we get another one starting, So I bring him over here after the shift, and the pansy orders a shot and a beer. Can you believe that crap? Fortunately, I got to Jimmy and stop him before he could serve it. And I’m like—a shot and a beer?

And he says—yeah—it’s a long shift.

He just doesn’t get it. Shot and a beer? You just might as well hold up a sign that says “I’m a sissy.” But—you know—he’s a new guy, so I try to be nice, but he just doesn’t get it. So I finally just have to be blunt.

Look—I says—we drink Mike’s Hard Lemonade. And unless you want everyone to think you’re some sort of queer or something, forget this shot and a beer crap.


But nothing—Jimmy—I says—get him a Mike’s. Cranberry.

And when he sees everybody nodding and whatnot—the light finally goes on.

Mike’s Hard Lemonade?


Thanks—I…I didn’t know.

So I tell him—don’t worry about it.

And he’s all—no, I really mean it—thanks.

And I’m like—seriously—don’t worry about it.

But he doesn’t stop with his thanks, and he didn’t know, and he just wants to fit in, and his dad worked at the plant, and I just had to stop him.

So I’m like—look, you really want to be one of the guys?

And, of course, he’s like—yes, yes—that’s all I want.

So I’m like—calm down, calm down. This is your lucky day. I’m gonna help you out. And looking him over, it’s obvious I’ve got to start at the beginning.

OK—first of all, you’ve got to get rid of those clothes.

And he’s like—these? What’s wrong with these?

Nothing if you’re gay. Just listen. Polo Hard Pocket T-shirts, DKNY Hard Jeans, and Dolce Hard Loafers.


Dolce and Gabanna! Jesus Christ—you gotta work with me a little bit.

And he’s like—Oh, Oh, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

So I’m like, just stop and listen. Clinique Hard Exfoliant, L’occetaine Hard Moisturizer. Then the clothes.

And he’s writing all this down like crazy, of course.

And lunch—listen up, I says, cause lunch is important—Hard Quiche and Hard Evian Water. And after the shift, it’s always—


He’s finally getting it. Shot and a beer. Something’s seriously wrong with a country that turns out kids who want to drink a shot and a beer.