Department of Complaints

Posthumous baptism by proxy allows faithful Mormons to have their ancestors baptized into the 178-year-old church, which they believe reunites families in the afterlife. Using genealogy records, the church also baptizes people who have died from all over the world and from different religions.

–Associated Press–


I have a complaint.


Bin Laden, Osama bin Laden.

So, Mr. bin Laden, how can I help you?

I don’t belong here.

Excuse me?

I want to go back.

Go back?


I don’t understand.

OK—you see—I…um…I was with my 40 virgins…


And suddenly I end up here.


So I want to go back?


40 virgins, man—40 virgins!

OK—let me look into this…Oh—I see.

See? See what?

It seems you were baptized posthumously, so you’re in the right place.

No, no—you don’t understand—40 virgins!

Yes, according to our records you indeed were correctly placed with the 40 virgins, but the posthumous baptism elevates you to the true Kingdom of God. Congratulations.

Congratulations? I—er—no! I want to go back.


The 40 virgins?

Oh—yes—well, you can’t go back.

Whoa, whoa—can’t go back?

Of course not. While you were properly assigned 40 virgins upon your death as a

martyr, the posthumous baptism supersedes the martyrdom.

Excuse me—supersedes?

Yes—any subsequent covenant with the Lord renders all conflicting previous covenants null and void. It’s all here in the bylaws.


You’re in the right place.

No, no—I want my 40 virgins.

Well—if you submit their names for baptism—

And have to marry the lot of them? No thank you. Do you really think I’d martyr myself for 40 wives? I already ran into one of them here. It took me half the morning to ditch her. I don’t want 40 wives. I want my 40 virgins!

Well, I’m sure this is a bit of a shock to you.

A shock? Yes—yes, you could say that.

But I’m afraid there’s nothing I can do for you.

Nothing you can do?

As I said, when a new covenant post-dates and supersedes a previous covenant—

40 virgins, man!

I understand Mr. bin Laden, but the Lord is very firm on these sorts of things.


I’m sorry, there is no going back.

But my virgins.

I’m sure they’ll manage.





I have a complaint.