Election Survival Beer Series
Yes…you read that right…wine. Hear me out. First, this wine comes in a can so it passes the snooty test. And it’s carbonated. And— OK, it’s a wine. But it does pass the “don’t fruit” test. As the official Italian friend of DFTB has opined, the only proper answer to red or white sangria is “no.” Don’t fruit the wine either. OK—that doesn’t pass the snooty test. But this canned wine honestly is the perfect beverage to serve as an antidote to the racist dog whistles coming out of the wingnuts on the right. And really—we’re past the dog whistle stage when candidates feel no shame about dropping monkey references, and the Neo-Nazis are emboldened to follow up with robocalls.
That’s where Infinite Monkey Theorem comes in. I’m guessing you’re probably familiar with the original monkey theorem. You know—infinite monkeys…infinite typewriters…one of them churns out Shakespeare/The Bible/The Constitution/(insert your favorite text here). That also means one of the random keyboard-clickers is going to come up with “dropping monkey references on African Americans is disgustingly racist.” Come to think of it, if we really have infinite monkeys, technically speaking, an infinite number of them will stumble on that. But thinking about that is hard and makes me want another beer. Let’s leave that alone.
To be fair, the racists are equal opportunity bigots. Ron DeSantis is happy to toss us a winking “monkey this up” about Andrew Gillum while Carla Maloney just flat out called kneeling NFLers “baboons.” Of course there are mere simple misunderstanding and gross distortions by the press. Ahem. If you didn’t need a drink before, you certainly need one to wash these denials down.
Infinite Monkey Theorem Rose is definitely up to the task. Under normal circumstances, it’s a bit sweet for DFTB to be completely honest, but the official wife of DFTB approves. It’s also acidic enough to stand up to the sugar. The combination of flavor and carbonation balances it more than enough to keep it from verging into cloying. And after all, sweet is the best flavor to wipe the bitter taste of racism out of your mouth.