Fifty Shades of Fitbit

The hotly anticipated film adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey hits theaters Valentine’s Day weekend. And with some box office analysts expecting a big opening weekend, it should be no surprise that different brands (beyond the obvious) want in on the action.

Thank you—thank you all for coming. I know everyone’s very busy, so I’ll get right to the point. Fifty Shades of Gray! That’s the product tie in we’ve been looking for. No, no—stop snickering. This isn’t eighth grade. This is serous business. Our product is useful, but it’s dull. We all know that. We can help you get in shape, but we can’t make it cool—until now.

Fitbit can be edgy. Fitbit can be seductive. Fitbit can be dangerous. Fitbit can be forbidden. OK—again with the snickering? Please, try to control yourselves.

Now where was I…oh yes—Fitbit can target those same same women—and men, too—who are looking for the excitement they get from Fifty Shades. Yes, I know the question—just how are we going to do that?

Behold! Our new Fifty Shades product line. We call the first new product “The Persuader.” Yes, the sensor is built into an S&M cuff. That’s part of the beauty of the product. You get two cuffs in the packaging, so if you want to go a little further in your Fifty Shades fantasy… you know.

But let’s talk functionality. It does everything our normal Fitbit does—tracks steps, monitors heartrate, activity, yadda, yadda, yadda. What sets “The Persuader” apart is the punishment-reward cycle. Yes, that’s right. I said punishment. Not on pace to reach your daily goals? Zap! “The Persuader” shocks you. Sitting around for a while? Zap! Again. And, and—this is the best part—the intensity goes up each time “The Persuader” has to remind you to get moving. You really have to want to miss your goals to suffer through a full day of reminders.

Oh yes—the reward. Actually I guess that’s the best part. You know how hitting your 10,000 steps gives you a happy little vibration on our current models? Well, “The Persuader” hits you with a vibration that stays on until you turn it off. Think for a second what that means. “The Persuader” turns your hand into your own…well—imagine the fun you can have with that. I know, it’s brilliant. This thing is going to sell itself.

The other two products in the line work on similar principles but…let’s say they take things a little further. We call them “The Dom” and “Mister Grey.” No, not as in “Dominic.” As in “dominator.” S&M theme—remember? Please try to follow along. Anyway, “The Dom” is a…well…it’s an—ahem—an insert. Yes, I know—that’s a bit of a departure for us. That’s the beauty of it. That’s why women are going to want it. What Fifty Shades fan isn’t going to want a Fitbit that shocks her “down there” when she doesn’t follow orders? We couldn’t come up with a better marketing plan in a million years. And, of course, the reward—oh, that was popular in product testing. You get the same user-controlled vibration you get from “The Persuader.” Our testers couldn’t hit their daily goals fast enough. Some of them even tried to hack the app so they could reset the day and go again. It’s that good.

Mr. Grey? Yes, well—there’s no delicate way to put this. Mr. Grey is a Fitbit in another kind of insert. No, around back. Exactly. Yes, it has same shocks and vibrations as “The Dom.” And yes, the testers loved this, too. It’s really the ultimate if Fifty Shades submission. Hard core fans are going to eat this up.

What? Well, of course you can take them all off. I think you’re missing the whole point. Who’s going to do that?