Welcome to Don’t Fruit the Beer, your daily source for political satire, random musings about life, and some pretty good advice about beer.
Here you’ll find any breaking DFTB news and today’s satire to get you started. Click Next Satire or any of the titles to the right to read more.
Bipartisan Beer Drinker’s Guide to Election Night
The obvious plan for enjoying election night with a beverage is to get as much of the cheapest beer you can find and pickle yourself into a comfortable stupor until it all goes away.
On the other hand, since we’ve made it this far, one more night of torture—er…civic duty seems in order. To make this vigil a little more palatable, DFTB has come up with official benchmarks to commemorate to help you enjoy the evening no matter who ends up winning.
Before we jump into that, though, here’s DFTB’s standard public service message—don’t try this alone. Unless you really want to snuggle up with your toilet and miss the big reveal, find yourself a partner or two. This works best as a party activity. I know I’m not making it through the whole evening knocking back 12 or 13 beers.
Now that we’ve satisfied the lawyers, let’s get to the important stuff—when do we get to drink beer? DFTB’s answer is—all night long!
Um…buy some beer. Oh—and have a glass for each member of your group. Whenever it’s time to crack open a new beer, split it as unevenly as you can get away with, drink, and repeat at the next indicated event. Rinse in between if you are fussy.
If CNN calls to inquire, DFTB has scientifically designed this program to maximize political participation by beer drinkers on election night. Between us, it’s a way to keep sane while America either blows itself up or returns to sanity.
The big draw on election night, obviously, is finding out who wins. Get yourself a six-pack of something appropriate to cheer on the electoral scoreboard. I’m going with Odd13’s Codename: Superfan IPA. Since there will booing and cheering as the votes come in, what better than a Superfan? I also really like this beer, so it’s not a hardship to drink a few of them. I know Superfan is a local release in Colorado so any beer you like works here. Bonus points if it has something to do with cheering or rooting. In a pinch, you could use hard root beer, but keep that to yourself.
For scoring purposes, crack open one of your Superfan equivalents when each candidate:
- Wins their first state
- Hits 100 electoral votes
- Hits 200 electoral votes
One Time Events
While the electoral battle rages, we’ll need something to do during the lulls between official calls. Never fear, DFTB has you covered!
Your home state deserves a little love. Have a locally brewed beer on hand, and drink it when your state gets called. DFTB is going with the official current state of residence, but feel free to choose your state of birth is you want to be difficult. I’ve got American Lager from Boulder’s Finkel & Garf ready to pour. It’s a solid beer and—come on—it’s AMERICAN. Says so right on the can!
First Big Prize
By definition, the swing states will tell the tale of this election. According to most pre-election polls, Florida and North Carolina are the biggest prizes among the undecided states. When either candidate wins one of these big prizes, pop open a special salute. I’m going with Oskar Blue’s Mama’s Little Yellow Pils because…shiny! It’s a gold can—like a trophy! I leave you to your imagination to find a suitable substitute as needed. Envy points if you have access to Wicked Weed and Cigar City for state specific beers here.
It’s almost inevitable that a state or two (at least) will defy the prognosticators and pull an election night upset. When this happens, I’m pulling out Bell’s Two Hearted Ale. For every upset, one heart will be elated and another will be broken. OK—DFTB had Bell’s in the fridge and forgot to buy an upset beer on the shopping excursion. Please play along—it fits…in a silly lyrical poser kind of way. If you can’t find Bell’s or don’t forget to buy an upset beer, anything that evokes surprise or hearts will work here. If I’d have remembered to buy it, I would have Trinity’s Slap Yer Mammy Double IPA. As it checks in at about 10% alcohol, it’s probably just as well that I forgot…
Win or Lose
The main event of the night is the declaration of a winner. There’s no better beer to commemorate this event than Avery’s special edition Ale to the Chief…if your candidate wins. Yeah…
Never fear, though, if your candidate loses, Unibroue’s Le Fin du Monde (French for The End of the World) is the perfect beer to wash away at least the first wave of your sorrows. What’s that? Le Fin du Monde is Canadian? Well…yeah. If your candidate loses, it will be the end of the country as we know it. Both sides are telling us this. Might as well get used to the beer up north before we move there.
You didn’t think election night was over after the networks declared a winner did you? Not this year. Any concession speech—or not—promises to be almost as much of a show as the victory speech. IF one of the candidates does break down and offer a concession, drink something bitter to mark the occasion. I’m going with Upslope’s IPA.
And if they go to the lawyers, DFTB has you covered there, too. I’m pounding down a Palm Tree Caribbean-Style Lager from Odyssey BeerWerks while I book my escape. Assuming I can still see the keyboard, I’m booking the next flight to Aruba. I’m out.
Oh—and if there’s no winner on election night, pound a couple shots and go to bed. I’m thinking rum as a prelude to my inevitable Caribbean getaway. Might as well be good and hungover along with the rest of the country when you wake up on Wednesday.
Thanks, Wolf. I’m here outside of Houston, and—let me tell you—it’s quite a scene.
It looks like it. Can you explain to our viewers what it is they’re seeing.
Well, Wolf—and anyone who is left—Houston seems to be the epicenter of the whole thing. With the mass exodus from both coasts the country has essentially folded down the middle and flung up on the ends.
And everyone who is left?
Is headed to Houston, one way or another.
What are the authorities doing about this?
Well, I tried to get someone from the National Geologic Survey to comment, but they seem to have flown the coop, too.
But local law enforcement and fire fighters have been stepping up all over the country. They’re passing out ropes and crampons so people can…you know…get their bearings.
Is that working?
Well, the Coast Guard is still pretty busy picking people out of the bay here. On the bright side, they plan to relocate those they rescue to New York and California. They think this will help the damage wear off in a decade or two—fifty years at the most.